Thursday, March 4, 2010

Deaf Jam, a flash fiction

DEAF JAM

By John McDonnell

The Count’s daughter was very frustrated with his hearing.
“I told you to get a hearing aid,” she said.
“Excuse me?” he said, cupping a hand to his ear.
“I said, ‘I told you to get a hearing aid!’” she shouted.
“There is nothing wrong with my hearing,” he said. “I can hear the sound of grass growing. I have the hearing of a bat.
“You’re deaf as a post,” she muttered.
“Buttered toast?” he said. “No thank you, I’m not hungry.”
“And you’re crazy as a loon,” she said.
He stood with his arms clasped behind him, looking out the castle window at the lightening sky. “Yes, the sun will be up soon,” he said.
“I know it’s difficult having me for a father,” he continued. “Handsome, brilliant, dashing -- It’s overwhelming, I know.”
“I’m going to throw up,” she said.
“If you would simply speak correctly, I could hear you,” he said. “You’ve never had good diction.”
“You old bat,” she hissed. “You probably can’t hear those church bells ringing.”
“Singing? Who is singing?”
She lowered her voice. “It means the villagers are coming after you with their pitchforks.”
“The problem is you mumble,” he said. “You must enunciate every word, like me.”
“Oh, you’re impossible!” she shouted. “I hate living with you.”
He turned. “I heard that. It was very disrespectful, young lady. Just for that, you’re grounded. I’m adding two more weeks on top of the punishment you got for falling in love with that village boy.”
She was about to shriek at him, but there was a sound of a large group of people banging at the door downstairs. She waited.
The Count puffed out his chest. “I am the master here. I must be firm with you at all times, my dear.”
There was a sound of splintering wood as the door was shattered, and then the sound of many boots coming up the stone stairs.
The Count yawned. “No more talk; it is time for sleep,” he said, opening his coffin and settling himself inside it. “We will talk again tonight,” he said, closing his eyes.
“I don’t think so,” his daughter said, as the townspeople burst into the room, with their garlic necklaces, their pitchforks, their crucifixes, and their silver stake.

THE END
Copyright John McDonnell 2010


16 comments:

  1. Hilarious! A deaf Count Dracula - that would change things a bit.

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  2. Well done! A deaf vampire. . . will the villagers let the daughter live happily-ever-after with the village boy? (Or is he long dead already? haha!)

    Great way to start my morning!

    Jim

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  3. Cleverly amusing!

    Do have a soft spot for the poor deaf Count. He has to go? Sad, that.

    Well done.

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  4. Thank you everyone. This was my first #fridayflash. I just thought a hearing impaired Drac would be funny.

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  5. Now this is new, fun read, you thought right: a deaf Dracula was a great idea!

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  6. A deaf vampire who has parenting issues -- it can happen to anyone!

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  7. Well, vampires do get quite old...

    Good, fun to read story.

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  8. Welcome to #FridayFlash John! This is a lot of fun. I am glad he got his comeuppance in the end.

    Did you know how to get your story on the list? Go to this link here and add it in

    http://www.jmstrother.com/tiki-view_tracker.php?trackerId=2&sort_mode=f_13_asc&status=o

    Virginia

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  9. Thanks, Virginia! I just added my story to the Friday Flash list. I hope to add many more as time goes on.

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  10. Ha! This guy is just like me! I can't hear ANYTHING and am forever screwing things up.
    So much for the idea that bats have better radar than us.

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  11. Cathy, I have to admit that this story is semi-autobiographical. Not that I'm a vampire, mind you, but my kids tell me I'm deaf as a post. I get song lyrics wrong all the time, and I'm constantly saying, "Pardon?" which drives my kids crazy.

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  12. The poor Count! I bet the daughter is a teenager. Very funny! Welcome to Friday Flash!

    CD

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  13. Hahahaha!! What every teenager knows--deafness is selective. (“I heard that. It was very disrespectful, young lady. Just for that, you’re grounded...") :) Really enjoyed this piece. Creative, clever idea. Welcome to #fridayflash!! It's a wonderful community. :)

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  14. Funny! Poor old count is going to get the point too. It's been said by friends above, but welcome to #fridayflash John.
    Simon.

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  15. Wow, thanks everyone for welcoming me to #fridayflash. I didn't realize you all would be so welcoming. I think I'm going to like this group.

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